15 Nov
Bugging Insecurities - Week 22

Writing about my life in prayer has not been any easy process. I’ve struggled to find words both in private and on paper to expand my continued growth and this week I come to a point where I’d rather not finish this journey began. Almost half way through this commited year, I find myself fighting against the good work being done in me. Ready to put down my pen, I grow tired from focused discipline and question a purpose for these weekly entries. I do anything I can to postpone this time of engagement, distracting myself from sharing the things that God has so generoulsy been providing. If this was my calling, would it be so difficult? If Christ wanted to use me in this capacity, would I feel so worn? I can’t help but think the answer is yes.

There were a few changes in the normalcy of my prayer this week. Though I got to spend some time with Jesus in the three letters I wrote Him, I also started a job that silenced my verbal grace for the provisions of daily bread. Five days in a row I went to lunch with my fellow coworkers and not once did I ask if they would join me in prayer. Not once did I ask if they would mind. Each time we sat down for a meal I became paralized in speech as I nervously commited our meals to Him in private. Though it’s possible they knew I was talking to God, no one mentioned it, and no one offered to join in. It’s in times like these I have to wonder about my commitment to share the gospel and the bravery I really have with faith.

Just last week I asked two complete strangers to pray with me in passing but this week I wrestled with the fact that I wanted nothing more than to pray aloud for these meals, not having the courage to do so. How strange. Thankfully this gave me more to talk to God about, asking for forgiveness in the ways I failed to bring up His name, and shying away from the Truth of His supply. As I ask what I’m supposed to do in a situation like this I can’t say I feel God was disappointed with my reluctance, but I know I sure was. I gave in to insecurities and let the distant customs of this world impair my close verbal relationship with Christ. How sad.

Luckily, there were still moments of the week where God’s prevelance broke through my frailty at work. I got to praise our Father for the blessing of stable health in the life of my boss, mentioned a peace in prayer, and discussed the future of my education in pursuit of His wisdom. Hallelujah for that! I’m excited to see how Jesus is going to use me in this next seven months of work. What He’s going to do in me and through me, what He’ll teach me in the process. For now, I ask that my desire to engage with Him about it stays present and the surrendering of my life to His will continues.

Despite the things I consider set backs, it’s no surprise that God has still been communicating with me and answering prayers in phenomenal ways. It is what He does afterall. For the past couple weeks my nightly prayers have included guidance on education. Which school I’m supposed to attend, where I should look for information, and how in depth He would like me to go. After a week or so of asking for His guidance, I still felt drawn to a particular institution that I had stopped talking to nearly two months ago. I asked the Lord if it was in His will for me to attend this school, that He would have them send me an email requesting my enrollment. A few days later, He did just that! Not only did He have them send me an email but it was from someone I hadn’t talked to before and now I’m in the process of beginning a brand new adventure come May. For this I give praise and for this I am in awe.

Our good God never fails to amaze me. His revelatory ways astonish me and His kindness continues to deepen my love for Him. Along with the answered prayer in education a friend of mine was looking for direction in his new living situation. He called me one day this week to tell me about an apartment he was going to look at and asked me to pray about it for him. In that moment I asked Jesus to clear his path for confirmation. As my friend started his drive to the new place, traffic increased, and not in a small way. Time nearly doubled as he began his commute and upon further thought he decided against going to check it out. The next day our Father led him to an open house where the landlord fell in love with him and pulled him aside to tell him that he was the tenant she wanted. Say what?!? Jesus is one heck of a provider! He definitely cares about the intricacies of our lives and is constantly lighting our path.

After penning this week in prayer I find my answer to the purpose in these entries. I write to remind myself that God is alive, that He is active, and that He is always waiting for our engagement. Yes God works regardless of our input, but how much more would we see if we really sought to see through His eyes. I may have difficulty with my words, I may be challenged, and I may grow tired, but Lord don’t ever have me give up. Please strengthen me for relationship with You and lead me to places I didn’t know were possible. Be with us all as we keep searching for meaning and draw attention to the truth of Your salvation. In your name I pray Lord. Amen!

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