14 Nov
Continued Fight - Week 29

Once again late for these weekly entries, it seems that time is growing busier by the day. With many of my hours spent at work, I fill the rest of life with engagements or duties that require attention. Little time do I have to spend with the Lord but it was in the previous week that I learned the necessity of making priority.

By Monday, coming off a week where I said almost nothing to God, I had enough of the lack of energy, patience, joy, and strength our Creator provides for me on a daily basis. I was exhausted from the past four days and desperate for relief. In fatigue I responded to a personal email I received earlier that morning in regards to my friend and her extremely ill sister. Reading about amputations and the rollercoaster of updates, I managed to get out the following words:

We've come to Passover week and the opposition to Christ's resurrection is still in full force. Thank God for His victory and bloodshed on the cross. He has, since time began, wrote the most beautiful story. And all if this, I mean all of it, shall pass. Only the goodness of the Lord remains so let us take joy in Him and the love He has for us.I say this to remind myself also. The past week has been rough and the past 4 days worse. Sporadically praying and not feeling in tune. I'm not talking to Jesus like I want to and I'm so tired I cry.Lord help us to not lose sight of Your will in this time and the life you've given in the release of Your own. Everything in the next few days gives us purpose to remember Your last in flesh.

After that, I opened up the text I wrote about last week. The text from a sporadic friend requesting insight for prayer. At the time I had only responded, “Psalm 23,” and I thought I should follow up to see how everything was going. I wrote the following text but realized on Wednesday that I never sent it.

The Psalms are always a good tool to use when I don't know what to say to Jesus. But I feel like talking with the Lord now about some things and thought you might wanna hear some prayer too.

Father God,You are amazing! The ways in which You choose to reveal Yourself are beyond me. I know not what I want for my mind plays tricks on me. It is a carousel of wayward emotions. I ask dear Lord that you'll forgive me for my distant words. Pardon my absence of speech and restore my heart to You. My spirit cries out for more of Your truth God. For more of Your presence and more of Your wisdom. For more of Your power. Make me whole in You Christ. Take distraction and bind it. Cast it from my presence and help me to focus on the One who matters most oh God! To the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the way, the truth, and the life You fill me my love. My Savior my King. For now and forever. Always and only to You do I pray Jesus. Amen!

Writing those two responses, I didn’t feel like I was in prayer. I wrote them out of a necessary feeling and I was unloading my heart to others. Though the second was essentially a written prayer, it might have been heightened for outside viewing, and I don’t remember being focused on conversation with Jesus when typing. However, like mentioned, it wasn’t until Wednesday when I realized I never sent that text and the email I wrote previous, reflecting on it now, seems as if it too was more so for me than my friend. Perhaps both those responses were in conversation with God despite my direction.

Lying in bed after those “necessary” writings, I wanted to shut my mind down and block out the weight of life. I picked up my phone once again to numb my clouded thoughts with a scroll through various “entertainment” sites. As soon as I opened my browser I felt disgusted with where my mind was turning. I literally forced myself to put the phone down, with an audible no, and screamed at my brain to talk with our Father. Hard at first, sighing with weariness, it wasn’t long (maybe 15 minutes) until I fell asleep in conversation with God.

I awoke the next morning with mercies of new. Though there was a lingering feeling of foulness, it quickly escaped me an hour into the day, and in the remaining hours, I felt at ease (dare I say joyful). Come Wednesday, by end of day, my flesh once again tried to sidetrack my Spirit despite the fullness of the Lord and the relief He had JUST given me. Being disgruntled, I got down on my knees and told the Lord how uninterested I was to be in that position at the moment. I told Him that even in knowing it’s where I belong, my heart needed softening to the obedience and stature this life was called to. I asked for forgiveness in the shortness of my ways and disclosed upfront that this position wouldn’t be long that night. Thankfully it was longer than I expected and just as refreshing, if not more.

Jesus has been extremely kind to me this past week in reviving my spirit with still limited engagement. Life has a way that seems so much better when in communication. While this past week has brought several tragedies such as amputations, deaths, and grave illnesses (in my immediacy alone), I am able to rejoice in the beauty of life because of who our God is. Jesus gave His life for the sake of our hearts and I ask that I give mine for the sake of His life. May this fighting life continue in His armor and may His powerful peace fill our atmosphere. It’s in the name of the Lord that I pray. Hallelujah, amen!

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