Half-Hearted Realities - Week 7

I write with a heavy heart this week despite the multitude of prayers I’ve seen God answer. This aching I’m experiencing is distracting, consuming, and very tiring. Though it’s possible my sorrow comes from our current surroundings I somehow feel it’s my own struggle that has me so weighted and the reluctance to be joyful in the Spirit that has my mind a wreck. Our God has been wonderfully working in my life. He has given me reasons to praise Him and yet I’ve been begrudgingly responding to the love He’s shown me.

Recently I’ve been praying for new things, restored things, and energetic things. I’ve been praying for others and myself to lean on God, know His truth, and be curious as to who our Lord really is. While I know there’s a lot more prayer to be done, God has been faithful in revealing His power to me this week, along with the stubborn lying that’s in my heart.My week started in a get together with my dad who I haven’t seen in over a year. I initiated the get together, with help from the Holy Spirit, but even as I was doing it, I didn’t want to. I asked my dad if I could join him last Sunday and was a little angry that the Spirit had asked me to reach out, despite the prayers of restoration I was voicing about that relationship. Instead of praising God for the answered prayer and the strength to put the past in the past, I was upset by the light He was shedding on the darkness of my heart. While I’m almost positive that I’d like a healthy relationship with my dad, the forgiveness of hurt is so much harder than I’d like it to be. The ability to “let it go” is something a part of me wants to hold on to. I thought about canceling, I thought about turning around as I was driving there, I thought about everything that had happened, the things that are still happening now, and decided it best to see what God had for me, for us. Truth is, it wasn’t bad. Sure there were moments I felt uncomfortable, moments I was internally angry, moments I felt weak, but all in all, I think it was the start of a healing I need in my life. And God didn’t stop there.

In my previous week, I had been asking the Lord and voicing in conversation that I wanted to get back to focusing on my health (which encompasses a variety of things). So what did He do? He sent me a friend that encouraged our fitness. Three times this week I exercised my body. Yoga twice, with a hike in between, which is the most I’ve done in over a month. Again, instead of giving the good Lord praise, I complained about doing the workouts. Even during the exercise my body wanted to stop and I felt angry about doing them. Sure there was completion in each routine and I knew I was benefitting from them, but each time I resented doing it. God answers prayers and I’m irritated? God has graciously been responding to me and I’m bad-tempered about it? Apparently so… and it doesn’t stop there.

A friend of mine has been growing closer to God, something I’ve been praying for. I’ve asked God to draw closer to her as her eyes begin to see His truth. Well, He’s been doing just that. He’s been speaking to her in phenomenal ways. He’s given her things she’s asked for and has responded with a quickness that somehow seems unbelievable. All things to praise God for and yet, if I’m honest, I’m a little jealous. The clarity and direction He’s given her is more than beautiful, and though clearly God has been answering my prayers, I feel like her answers are more defined and more advancing. However, there’s a lurking thought that maybe her time with the Lord has been more genuine and more pure. A thought that’s surely disturbed but a thought that resonates regardless. And still there’s more…

I’ve been saying aloud and writing to God that I’d like nothing more than to be utterly and completely in love with Him, making Him my husband, my lover, and my best friend, with no distractions that could take my heart from Him. There’s a concrete truth in this but perhaps a little lie that hardens my heart. Truth is, I want the earthly love of companionship. I want to live a life fully dedicated to Christ with support from a significant other to strengthen that walk. In desiring these things, I’ve met someone who (in a way) changed my life. I became very close to this person, giving him a good portion of my heart, feeling like I received his in return. We had been in constant communication up until recently and while the stop in communication hurts me deeply, I can’t help but think God is answering a prayer in this. Maybe it’s not the time, maybe he’s not the person, maybe God has something far better in store for my future, but aside from all these maybes, I’m still resentful because I wanted him to be the one to dedicate his life to Christ and spread the Good News with me. I wanted him to love me. In a way, I feel like this cut in communication has hindered the devotion I’m looking to give the Lord. I’ve spent days pretending to smile. Days half-heartedly seeking the Lord for help. Though my heart may be divided, I am reminded that my ultimate prayer for this person, was for him to know the truth of Christ, and I believe that prayer is taking root. A joyful thing indeed, but a hurtful one at that.

Thinking about all these things, I can’t believe I’m in such a bad way. I can’t seem to shake the sadness that’s growing in my heart, and while those who increase in wisdom, also increase in sorrow, I ask for the Lord’s joy as He continues to increase in me.