Overuse of My Own - Week 39, 40, & 41
These past three weeks have been unsure, confused, and in desperate need of fulfillment. Reading my last words I feel encouraged by the beauty I’ve seem to forgotten just weeks after I wrote them. The delay in this entry has not been from lack of available time but more so from lack a of dedicated time. Off and on I’ve spent moments with our Lord but have had trouble rejoicing or even talking with Him in variety. I’ve moped about doing good and was even angry in the way I got to provide for someone looking for help. Perhaps it’s in the way I feel stagnant and flighty but I’ve said more than once this past month that my empathy card has been maxed. There have been more in the usual heartaches of life and this giving of self is growing tired from perceived lack of return. I’m mixed from internal responses and unsure of how to react while the good Lord hears my limited repetitive prayers. Though I feel bad for just thinking what about me, I have to wonder how to take delight in life when I feel so isolated and uninterested.
In my own head, thinking about the unanswered prayers that directly concern me, I’ve started to get angry. For a month I’ve been sporadically asking for dreams. I’ve told others the same and dialogued about how I’m asking God to reveal His will to me in visions of slumber. I have yet to receive these dreams that I’m craving and then feel ridiculous continuing to ask for the same. I start to question the purpose of living for Christ and selfishly focus on the absurdities of trial. Wanting to be happy, I uttered the opposite, pondering how that sentence could even come out of my mouth. I thought about connections and how they all seem misled, how underlying motivations always seem precedent. With myself included, I speculate the grounds on which friendships are made and believe relating takes both a listen and share.
Along with asking for dreams, I’ve also been begging for knowledge in clarity but then stop to wonder how much ‘begging” I’ve actually done? Treating Jesus like a distant friend, I go to Him in spurts of commitment. Though I revel in His majesty, I get upset because all I seem to hear is wait and waiting can really make one feel uneasy. Though I know my true desires want to live by His ways, I struggle to sit quietly and understand what it is He is doing. I have a hard time going to Him with everything or even being lengthy in the things that I do. No wonder I feel like my calls are being unanswered because maybe it’s not the Lord who doesn’t respond but our own hearts that are full of deception which limit our understanding.
Refocusing my thoughts to think about the time I actually spent in conversation with God over these past three weeks, I can’t recall an abundance and am almost certain there hasn’t been any growth. However, I was fortunate in being invited by our church to commit a week of dedicated daily prayer to people in need. Putting on a bracelet with the name of an individual whom I don’t know at all, I was reminded at least once a day to lift them up in prayer. Lasting only for minute at minimum and no longer than five, it was nice to have the reminder and a specific thing to pray for their name. It felt good to be a part of something from the outside and trust that Jesus blessed this person in their time by revealing His glory.
During these past few weeks I’ve also seen God do wonderful things for the people I do know. I’ve heard of revelations and impressions that I’ve been asking Christ to give them and am thankful for the way that His love has brightly invaded their lives. I’ve had unbelievers share that they were thinking of me when they were pondering the existence of God and then strangers in faith tell me that I was the first person they’d met in our line of work to be so vocal about Jesus. All great things to give praise for and yet… there’s still been a hole.
By Thursday, after being increasingly unenthusiastic, I forced myself to spend time in His Word. With nothing left to do, I knew that if I kept doing the same, I’d be stuck in this unloving apathy continuously. Though my mind tried to wander over and over and over again, I pushed to stay present and let His writings sink in. I could feel His Spirit stirring within me and though I cried steadily in reading the Psalms, some slight relief finally came after spending forty minutes or so dedicated to Him. The next day my co-worker noticed the difference in my attitude, told me I was getting there, and to hang onto the Truth. While that’s so easily said and so easily heard, the surrounding wars that fight make it seem so hard to believe.
Thinking about the way that I want to live with God, how intimate I am with Him now, and how much more so I’d like to be, I ask for His help in softening my heart to love Him more. May He show me the way that I was created to live and surround me with people who seek after His name. Let my petitions for dedication not go unheard but oh Lord strengthen my weaknesses and steady my mind. Grant me the joy that I so desperately want and bless me with visions which I know You can give. Jesus please reduce my unwillingness and remove all my spite. Allow me to grow in sharing with You and give me the ears that are hoping to listen. Thank You for Your promises and Your calling for trust. Thank You for loving me and giving me life. In Jesus name. Amen!